Hi Debbie. I’ve worked a lot with teens and children who have had complicated early experiences — and the quietness of early childhood tends to give way to the sheer complexity of the teen experience. In both early childhood and adolescence the brain is changing structure, it’s fizzing and doing lots of new and sometimes overwhelming things.

It may help to read about ambivalent attachment patterns and behaviour — depending on what happened to your granddaughter when she was very young. Children who have inconsistent parenting in their very early years sometimes have brain hardware that tells them they’re going to die if they aren’t first and foremost in the thoughts of the adults around them. In primary school, this is usually okay as they have one consistent teacher all day and their lives are a predictable routine. Suddenly when they hit secondary school, the proverbial excrement also hits the turbines. You see them struggling to work out how to survive — and it doesn’t matter to them whether they get good attention or bad attention. Any attention will do.

Often these children can be affectionate and wonderful one second and in the next second they can be aggressive and demanding. They can’t help it. It can be very draining for the adults around them as they push whatever buttons they can to ensure that people don’t forget them. Self esteem often plummets because deep down they feel unloved and insecure. Often, traditional parenting strategies (such as time outs) have the opposite effect to the one intended and their behaviour will just escalate and escalate. As long as you’re focussed on them, their brain is happy.

The answer, though not easy to administer, is unconditional love, therapy (best given before a crisis) and very consistent boundaries. You may find it helps to remind her that you will always love her regardless of what she does and shouting at her won’t help. The rules and regulations will make her feel safe (though she will test them) — and remember to remind her that you won’t leave her. She subconsciously thinks you’re going to and her brain and behaviour is trying to prove her right. That’s why it looks like she hates you (she doesn’t) her brain says ‘I’m unloveable so I bet if I do this, they won’t love me anymore’. Concentrate on giving hugs, rewarding positive behaviour and building her self esteem. Don’t let her control negative interactions and if possible enrol her in a team sport that will build self control and self discipline. Little tokens that show her that you’re thinking about her even when you’re not with her will also work wonders. Things in lunchboxes and random texts throughout the day.

Also…she’s a teenager, and these same attachment patterns are going to play out with her friends. Brace yourself for a lot of crying about falling out with people, be prepared for heartbroken boys/girls she falls for — and remember to take deep breaths. Generally you get a year of hell then a year off, then a year of hell again. Good luck. Some reading around the main forms of insecure attachment patterns might be informative for you and your husband I’d highly recommend it, those might give you the answers that you’re after. Best of luck.