I like it. As I said, I like writers who write with honesty and it sounds like you're on a complicated and fairly individual journey. I hope you can reach a place where you aren't triggered by either the man in the mirror or white men more generally.

More than that, I hope society can reach a place where skin colour, eye colour and sexuality aren't overtly focussed on as integral to who you are as a person. I would continue to focus on those early years experiences and spotting the blueprints (as you have done) but I'd also recommend getting some DBT to hold these things together.

In our exchange in my comments section you have identified me as a white cis man and you have projected your rage straight into my comments section. Now I have read this, I can see there might be more complicated reasons behind this and you should lead with this. If you simply approach every interaction with private rage, you'll get white straight men telling you to fuck off - because straight white men aren't known for their introspection. This will then become a self-fulfilling prophecy about how awful one facet of society is.

And if you are the least bit white... the identity politics movement might not be for you in the long run. It is a circular firing squad full of competing groups all trying to win at suffering the most.

That's it from me. Keep up the good writing. :o)