Niceness is interesting. The message that boys get from their mothers is that they should be ‘nice to women’. It makes sense, it’s a valid message to give to your child. No guy’s mother is then training him in the art of seduction (in a normal healthy relationship at least). The message that guys get therefore is that we should be nice — a catch all approach that falls short for all the reasons that you’ve outlined. What’s good for grandma probably isn’t good for the girlfriend…. and vice versa.
Where society has a problem is with the learning curve on this fact. Men without experience or any insight will keep doing this — their predominantly female friends (because they enjoy him being nice) will keep reinforcing the message that his mothers gave him — and until he breaks out of that mindset he’ll be stuck there attempting a flawed transaction ad infinitum. That isn’t anyone’s fault per-se, it just requires more reading of articles like yours and an understanding of Psychology.
What I do want to add into the conversation is what is often overlooked as we strive for equality. The onus is put on men to be better at approaching women, to better understand and calibrate their response and signals of interest/lack of interest. This is currently done by some truly awful people on Youtube peddling pop psychology without a clear understanding of how the underlying psychology works at all.
In a truly equal society, the sex of the person doing the approaching shouldn’t matter — many men (more than you’d think) are hugely anxious about approaching women. Women generally see the ones that a) aren’t or b) have removed social inhibition with alcohol. Of the type a) some are competent and congruent, but others are sociopathic, narcissistic or ego-driven — of type b) some are sweet and trying their best but some are dangerous. It’s a minefield. It’s amazing that the human race ever makes it to the next generation.
Men are pressured to approach and put their self worth on the line and take a punt. Women are pressured to be on the back foot so they don’t appear to be ‘slutty’. Our concepts of how masculine and feminine we are is tied together with this conventional males must approach ideology. I don’t think it works for women — and I don’t think it works for men.
There needs to be more of a kick towards the gender centre-ground where people are taught how best to approach each other. The idea that men have to learn the best way to approach women is counter productive to both feminism and male self-esteem. It suggests that there is a right/wrong way — and for some people, self esteem is so fragile that failure must be avoided at all costs. Those people celebrate their failures, detach from reality and invariably find each other online, become incels — and in rare cases go onto commit extreme acts of misogyny.
To be clear, that isn’t the fault of women, but equally that isn’t entirely the fault of those men either — that’s the fault of the patriarchal system that governs our behaviour. Whilst feminists push for equality, there seems to be silence on this issue. Nobody is rushing to be the person facing the possibility of rejection — it’s not as appealing to take on the responsibilities at the same time as campaigning for the rights.
I write that as a man who has never been asked out. I’d probably say yes out of shock — I hope that by the time I have grandchildren, this is no longer an issue that is debated.
This response to your article obviously comes with the catch all caveat that not all men approach all women all of the time, there are always exceptions to the rule… on a side note, I discovered your writing today and am thoroughly enjoying it. Consider yourself followed and take your due percentage of my £5 Medium Subscription.
