We could stop Russia if we wanted - and they're only poisoning other Russians, so we're prepared to turn a blind eye for the time being. Sometimes we issue a stern rebuke and our floppy haired PM gives a conference and says things like 'piffle' and 'wangers'

Without our cricket pitches, you wouldn't have anywhere to park your planes. Have you learned nothing from the Doolittle raid? If we can beat the Luftwaffe with wooden toy planes, imagine how good we'd be if we actually tried. We had the first ever Air Force in the world, and we had a world conquering navy whilst you guys were trying to work out how to survive the winter and take Turkey off the locals.

We left Afghanistan in good order, thinking we'd give you guys a chance to put your logistics and planning to good use. Let the B-team have a go, we thought. You might have excellently organised cheer squads but it doesn't translate to military manouevers. Far too much spent on catering and flags.

The last time you had a war without us, it was Vietnam - it lasted 20 years and you still had to evacuate Saigon and lost around 50,000 soldiers. The last time we had a war without you it was against the much bigger Argentina and lasted 74 days (most of which was travelling) Once there, we let Prince Andrew fly a helicopther and lost about 3 soldiers and a small dog called Nigel.

The Chinese were welcome to Hong Kong - as they are welcome to buy up almost all of our real-estate in London. They are now our capitalist overlords. :o/