I have a fairly ugly concentration face and I type too damn fast for my own good. — Here’s a thing you can know about me. I can touch type. That due to a misspent youth on the pre-cursor to social media chatting with people who had genitals and personalities I was interested in. Romantic fortune favoured the fast and I quickly became one of the fastest. What…

Five things you’re allowed to know about my identity and four things you’re not. — What constitutes your identity? If society is determined that we play identity politics then this is a question I feel compelled to ask. Who gets to define the parameters of who I am. What’s their agenda and why does it matter? Here are five things I think I have defined…

Put YOUR money where your mouth is and leave MY money the hell alone thanks. — If it hasn’t been made apparent from my previous article, I’m about as monarchist as the English 1650s. It’s not that I think we should be beheading the new King but we could be thinking about ways to reduce the national spending on frivolous shite like castles, private jets, and…

Spoiler; it isn’t the ability to do clickbait titles and pick evocative images. — Resilience. That’s it. The single most underrated skill on Medium is your ability to weather falling in and out of favour of the Great Goddess Algorithmia and your ability to hold your own against every flavour of idiot imaginible. See how I miss-spelled imaginable? Someone will be along to correct…

I hope so, because I’ve got one lined up and I think it would be so full of empowerment I’d get a BAFTA and a hug — I recently wrote an article about the Disney Little Mermaid being cast with Halle Bailey as the lead. I wasn’t the only one. I added very little other than to say the entire conversation is borderline exhaustion worthy and sucks all the oxygen out of the room like an outrage…

Why the dialogue continues to swim in massive circles again and we’ll do so until everyone dies of exhaustion. — Tore myself away from watching fellow Brits descend into a seven-mile queue to nod at a box and plugged myself into the zeitgeist. Wish I hadn’t. Now everyone is talking about whether we can have Black mermaids or not. …

I’m not outside the box, I’m outside of the species — I was a difficult hatchling, according to my beleaguered parents, forever asking ‘why?’ and never being satisfied. I would invent novel solutions to ensure I’d always get my own way. I could and still can think around corners. I love a loophole. When we were dismissed for lunch at my…

Why I’m suddenly going to be a lot more popular in the next six months with my ethnic minority readers. — We’re about to hit an ethnic minority Vs woke handbrake turn in the discourse, I’m super excited. It’s crunch time for idiots who cannot rationalise. I cannot wait to see how this all resolves itself. In case you missed it, Queen Elizabeth II is dead and I’ll let you do…

It’s just another sign of the times Ms. Jones… It’s just another sign of the times. — I’ve been writing here since before most of your toddlers were born. Not that long in fairness, but if your kid hasn’t started school yet, chances are I was penning a story when they were just a semi-conscious poop machine with ideas of a life. Four years. I started here…