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Playwright. Screenwriter. Penguin. Fan of rationalism and polite discourse. Find me causing chaos in the comments. Contact:

Five things you’re allowed to know about my identity and four things you’re not.

Photo by Ian Parker on Unsplash

What constitutes your identity? If society is determined that we play identity politics then this is a question I feel compelled to ask. Who gets to define the parameters of who I am. What’s their agenda and why does it matter?

Here are five things I think I have defined as key to my identity. Reading this article means you’ll get to know more about the person behind the penguin. You’ll get a better picture of who I am without being able to identify me in any way at all.

And that’s the way it will stay for the foreseeable

I studied Psychology

We’ve found all the worst humanity has to offer — let’s start binning the best.

Photo by Gary Chan on Unsplash

If we’re going to really go all-in on cancel culture, we’ve got to strategise and do it better. We can’t be firing warning shots at paedophiles and rapists. We need to bring down some of the genuinely nice ones and show the world that nobody is safe. Who are the unimpeachable and how can we peach them, or at least put some hard apples in a sock use it as an impromptu mace.

Fruitshoot! Cancelled. Here’s your five a day.

Mr Rogers

This is the big one. If we can get him we can get anyone. The man is so wholesome he’s…

Yeah, it’s the snivelling lion one from Disney’s Robin Hood. Ooh-da-lallie.

Photo by Simon Haslett on Unsplash

Imagine being so bad at being a King that all your people hate you, all your feudal barons hate you, the Pope thinks you’re a prick, you’re forced into a muddy field to sign away your power and then shit yourself to death a year later. That’s pretty much how democracy started and we can lay it all at the feet of one incompetent white man called John.

Welcome to British legal history. Penguin style.

Let me get you up to speed

In order to understand how and why peasants got rights and thus why Americans got to arm bears or whatever they do, we’ve got to…

And I’m 100% here for her impending reign of terror

Photo: Scott Dudelson/Getty Images

I’ve got a soft spot for Bhad Bhabie, I really do. The first time she looked a bunch of sanctimonious judgmental middle-class folks in the eye and challenged them all to a fight, I was team Danielle Bregoli.

She’s rebranded herself and won a few awards since those fighty days of 13 and now she’s an adult and she’s coming for the man who made her famous. This is going to be good.

Dr Phil, a man so repugnant to me that I can’t even…

Oh wait, I can. If you make $60 million per year out of generating misery…

A handy guide to bringing y’all back to reality with sincere apologies to a Scottish lady named Alison

Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

Welcome to this short guide to deprogramming from Uber-woke. You may have clicked here because you’re concerned that you’re living in a state of perpetual competitive misery. You may have accidentally clicked here because you saw a person with a megaphone and thought you’d get involved. Whatever your reason for being here. Namaste.

And first up, in the spirit of being caught in a perpetual apology tornado, I offer my sincere apologies to The Garrulous Glaswegian who writes such eloquent rants. …

I know. I know. It was under our noses the entire time.

Photo by Vlad Hilitanu on Unsplash

I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid. It was paragliding the whole time. This was my thought as I read the latest article by one of Medium’s most prolific racism authors. As the self-appointed voice of the racially oppressed, she has found a solution that allows her to escape the vicissitudes of modern life. She’s got a solution so radical that it might just work.

What is it? Go paragliding! I know! The parody article damn near almost wrote itself.

I can’t believe all those poverty-stricken folks from inner city US places haven’t tried soaring majestically above the Swiss Alps…

Let me dig into the figures and we’ll unpack this a little

Photo by Raphael Renter on Unsplash

As a playwright in the UK, I’ve become somewhat accustomed to the continued takeover of the arts scene by what The Garrulous Glaswegian calls the synthetic left. It’s a good name for a subsection of liberals who care more about being seen to do the right thing than actually doing the right thing.

It’s all jazz-hands socialism and it’s a poor substitute for actual change — when it comes to long lasting change in our society I think Trans people are getting the worst of it.

The theatre scene in London has been hijacked by a wave of middle class…


The tiniest article I’ve ever had to write — now with added Haiku

Photo by Sreenadh TC on Unsplash

Top writer status comes and goes.

Pay it no attention.

Just concentrate on the writing, dummy.

Okay, so it turns out I can’t really do haikus — and also I can’t be bothered to look up how they work. I’m not a poet and it’s not my literary bag — short and three lines is close enough for me. Speaking of things I also can’t be bothered to look up… Top Writer Status’. Statusesesses. Stati?

Meh. Plurals, amiright?

It’s Saturday. I might have lots, I might have none. If you care about my credentials, you look it up. They come…

Hidden History

It’s not a gift that the US Embassy needed, but one which brought nuance to the phrase ‘got beef’

Photo by Doruk Yemenici on Unsplash

When the towers collapsed the world changed irrevocably. 9/11 was history pivoting in a new direction and doing so in a visceral way. The US has only ever really hosted civil wars and ad-hoc genocides — to realise one’s lack of invincibility on the world’s stage was a tough and bitter pill to swallow.

The ramifications from that event will echo in the pages of history and are particularly pertinent twenty years on.

In the weeks after the 9/11 attacks, other countries made gestures of condolence, but none was more touching than this.

The destitute boy

Kimeli Naiyomah grew up near the Masai…

This will be short and sweet

CREDIT: Official 113th US Congress photograph. Public domain

“The Biden Administration has abandoned Afghan women!”

“The best thing that can happen for Afghan women is if those in charge of this debacle at the State Department resign and be replaced by more competent individuals”

“If you believe in human decency, particularly for women, it is a nightmare”

(Various Lindsey Graham quotes over August/September 2021)

It’s not that I disagree with the man on what he’s saying. These are all very valid points. He’s been rolled out to troll the Biden administration and he’s pretty good at it. The man can put together a compelling argument at the drop…

Argumentative Penguin

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